Seriously, what's wrong with me?

I've turned into one of thoooose people. The ones I always saw as weak, the ones who just can't handle the pressure. I admit. I am weak and I just can't handle the pressure. (Hence, the blogging when I am suppose to be doing something else.) Don't judge me, sometimes a girl just needs a little break.

Evidently, I am having a serious mental block when it comes to testing lately. I go into a test thinking that I know what I am doing, that all of that studying will finally payoff and shazam! I get the test back just to find that yes, I knew the right answer and damn it! I marked the wrong stupid little bubble on the scantron. Honestly I think that schools put to much emphasis on testing. In my perfect world there would be no testing. Just worry free learning. Unfortunately, it's not my world.

Sometimes you just need a moment...

A few things I've taken notice of the last few months:

1. There are people out there that know my name. (Why or how I do not know.)

2. There are people out there that call me Amy. (Obviously don't know my name, but acknowledge me anyway.)

3. There are people who call me Amanda. (Again, don't know my name, but I'll still answer with out correcting them. One day they will find out and I will be snickering all over inside. WaaHaaHaa!)

3. There are people that I rarely speak to that have told me "good job" and I have no idea of what they are talking about. (I had a teacher do this. Was he being sarcastic? I didn't do that good on that test. Maybe he was thinking of Amy or Amanda.)

4. Even though someone has a PhD, they can still not know very much. (I should set my standards low.)

5. Most people under 25 should not be in college. (I'm so tired of getting stuck in a group with people who don't know or do anything, maybe I'll rat them out. I haven't decided yet. However it does make me feel powerful to possibly have a dirty little hand in their grade.)

6. Parent teacher conferences can actually be really fun. (I spent about 45 minutes with each of my kids teachers just shooting the breeze. One was a total spaz and the other thought she was in some kind of confessional. Isn't public education great?)

7. Nothing will ever go the way I plan or envision. (I practice literally forever and still can't get the right words out when giving a presentation. I admire anyone who can teach.)

8. My kids are still growing. (Even after I specifically asked them to stop. This disobedience is intolerable. Maybe I should stop feeding them.)

9. Trading homework time for sleep doesn't accomplish anything. (I dream in chemistry.)

10. (There doesn't have to be a 10.)

9.

Oh man! What was I thinking.

When school started this fall I began my first chemistry class in who knows how long and we, as a class, were given the assignment of a class presentation with our lab partner. Not giving it much thought I mentioned to my lab partner all the supplies I had for making soap at my house and that we should make soap for our presentation. Sounds harmless enough, right?

In all innocence, we began the process on a Saturday morning. We drove all over the metropolis of Hurricane, UT and tried to gather the final supplies we needed. A glass measuring cup, a huge plastic bowl, a wire whisk. You get the picture. We get back to my house about a half hour later and begin laying out the supplies and documenting (pictures, measurements, etc). Everything that I had read on the subject said that for a solid soap to use sodium hydroxide. Of course I went Wal-mart to find such a substance and purchased it about two months before we actually did our project. Wal-mart has everything a person could possibly need right? I was a little concerned when I read the label and it said "Contains sodium hydroxide" instead of having an ingredient list of just sodium hydroxide. I emailed the questions and comments email address for the Helen Johnson Co. at that time but never heard back from them. (How efficient of the Helen Johnson Co). So being the mad chemist that I am, the decision to move forward was made (in my own head).

Preying on the innocent, I had my lab partner add the drano to the water while I took pictures. Oddly enough the mixture began to turn green and bubble, and violently start to boil. The foam that formed on the top of the mixture was about to come over the top of the glass pitcher and the look on my lab partners face was classic. We let the mixture die down a little bit, took some pictures and my lab partner went to the hardware store to see if he could find some real lye (sodium hydroxide). He says you can find anything at the hardware store and sure enough he was successful and came back with lye and gloves. Obviously he was thinking ahead at this point.

We started over, adding the lye to the water. No violent boiling this time. So far so good. When the lye came to temperature he put it in with the solid oils. The bowl was really full but there was enough room for now. We still had the liquid oils to add but we weren't so concerned with that at the moment. He continued to stir the mixture when all the sudden there was a hole in the bowl. The mixture was leaking down the table and onto the floor. I let out a shrieking scream and the next thing I knew the other side of the bowl also had a hole and was leaking all over the middle of the table. We grabbed a bucket and put everything in it. My lab partner ran outside with it while Jeff and I tried to get everything off the table. We went outside and poured the mixture back into a bowl...stainless steel this time. After going back inside we again realized that there was not enough room in this bowl either and we got two more bowls out. The next 2 1/2 hours were spent with wire whisks and the glass picture, pouring from one bowl to another. After all this time and knowing that my lab partner had other things to do I decided to donate my blender to the cause. We added four cups at a time and finally got the mixture to thicken after about a minute. After about 15 minutes we were finally pouring the soap into the molds and alas it was complete.

As we analyzed what had just happened we came to the following conclusions:

1. Drano is evil and is not pure sodium hydroxide.

2. Never, and I mean never, buy a plastic bowl to make soap at the dollar store.

3. Always, and I mean always, know how much you are making.

4. Although it sucks to not be able to use my blender again for food, a blender is a necessary sacrifice for a project like this.

5. After all the damage, (ie. varnish removed and burned table top, lab partners shoes, chemical burns on Ambers fingers, and a 6' x 8' carpet) this really is not a very cost effect hobby.

Can you say stoichiometry?

Why are there such big words to describe something so simple as a word problem using conversions? Okay maybe it is a little shorter to say but it really doesn't roll off the tongue, or at least my tongue, that well. I've found that school has completely blown my mind with all of these "big words". Seriously, I think I'm learning a new language. Part German, French, English, Latin and maybe a little Italian thrown in every once in a while. It's hard enough trying to understand the material but don't throw some freakish word in there and make me learn it too. I've only been home a week and I need another break. I can't wait for Thanksgiving. No homework (hopefully) and TURKEY. Delicious Turkey. mmmmm.

Therapy? Really?

As usual, I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew this semester of school. The first week I was really feeling good about things, like this may actually be a decent semester for me. Well, after that first week, all hell broke lose and the wrath of the professors has been unleashed. In all actuality it is probably just me, but I've never struggled like this in school before and my frustration seems to building upon itself.

It all started a few days before school when the hard drive went out in my laptop. I took it in to be fixed and it came back with 1/2 the memory and a whole mess of problems. It hasn't worked right since school started and I'm ready to go buy another computer. Something that will get me through a few years of school. I'm looking at netbooks so if anyone has any suggestions, I beg you, please, give me some advise in this area. I can't live without my laptop. It's really sad that I'm so dependant on a piece of machinery but a typewriter and carrying around 70 lbs of books is not my idea of a good time.

I think that I may have mentioned that just before school started I received notification of a grant that was issued to me for $2000.00 a semester as long as I can keep my GPA above a 3.0. Well, since generally I do better than that I thought that it wouldn't really be a problem. Turns out when you don't have all the resources you need (ie. computer) and you can't meet with your teachers because their office hours conflict either with your classes or work schedule it's really not all that easy to keep a decent GPA. To offset all the inconvenience I've formed study groups for all of my classes, which makes it hard to get the homework done because they are all in the evening.

All of this being said, and believe me, this is just the top of the iceberg. I am one stressed out little cookie. I went to see my Doctor and had a nervous breakdown in her office. She offered me some sort of medication for anxiety and I tried to politely decline although I really don't know what came out of my mouth. Then she suggested I go to counseling as an opportunity to work through some of my "issues". What these issues are exactly, remains to be seen. I've never been to counseling before, but I told her I would go because I really don't want to add another medication to my kitchen pharmacy. It was kind of interesting when she mentioned counseling because I had a little "a ha" moment. I didn't realize that I was that stressed out but evidently when I get really stressed some odd behavior comes out in me like anxiety and the urge to drink. So to keep myself from become a lush I agreed to counseling. Who knows, maybe something amazing will come out of it.

Does it really have to start?

So here I sit again...looking for the books I need for school online. It looks like I'm going to have to fork out about $500.00 for the 3 lectures and 2 labs I have this semester. This is actually the least amount of credits I've taken since I went back to school. Hopefully it won't end up to be the hardest semester. I'm still continuing to work for the Park Service at least for a few more months and I've been loving this job. I hope they can find some way to actually keep me on there. (It's complicated, as all things in government are made to be.) While I was reviewing my financial aid info tonight I found that the college added $2,000.00 in grant money. (Again, complicated.) But if your going to throw money at me, sure I'll take it. I guess that GPA is finally in a worthy place.

So work has been really interesting lately. I've been hauled all over the Arizona Strip for hours at a time and learned some very interesting things. Sunday...yes Sunday, I went out to "The Wave" for the third time on an admin pass to check out some of the flood damage. The first thing we encountered was someone who tried to drive through a wash after a flash flood. Evidently they had been sitting there all night digging themselves into the sand. The thing that really killed me though was that someone stopped and gave them a shovel and some rope and then left them there. We pulled them out in less than 5 minutes and we were all on our merry way. People what are you thinking!!! Anyway, we went along on our adventure. When we got to the parking lot we checked passes on the cars and then started our trek into 100 degree weather and no shade or wind. By the time we got to the wave I had downed 3 liters of water and had about a pound of sand in my shoes. The entrance was blocked by a pool of water filled with tadpoles and little tiny fish looking things. I opted to walk through it and the water was surprisingly about 2 feet deep. When I got to the other side we checked more passes and then had lunch. I took a few pictures and then we headed back. All in all it was very uncomfortable, but still worth it.

One would think....

So school has been out for a whole week and since I presumably have nothing to do but go to a part-time job, I should have oodles of time on my hands. Much to the contrary I have found countless ways to spend my time, none of which is on myself. I've ended up working longer than I thought, helping kids with more than the usual homework and various activities that take me into the evening hours. As a matter of fact, even at this very moment I feel that there is something that I have forgotten to do. This feeling usually only comes when school is in and I have a million things going on, but somehow I have filled my time with this and that and once again there is a million things going. The only problem is they are not consistent. Like when school is in I have classes Monday Wednesday and Friday. The problem now is that there is all kinds of different things happening at different times and nothing is consistent. (This is what daily planners were made for but for some reason I just don't feel important enough to be carrying one around.) I can't wait to start work and get a routine again.

WOW!

I can't believe where the time has gone. It's been two months since I last posted and a lot has happened, the problem is I can't remember all the details. School is finally out so I'm suppose to get a break for a little while, right? Wrong! I've actually got an amazing opportunity to work for the Grand Canyon/Paraschant National Monument, which I am super excited about. The office is in St. George, which is where I will be most of the time, but every once in a while I will get to go into the backcountry to see what kind of research is going on. I don't think I've ever been so excited about a job in my life. Hopefully the background check comes back okay. (Like there is anything to worry about there.) The cool thing about this job is that the office is the only one that is in joint management with the BLM so technically I work for the National Park Service, but I also get to work around the BLM staff. Super Fantastic! I also get elective credit at school for working through the summer which makes it super, super fantastic.
School was incredibly stressful this past semester and I spent the majority my time studying. I lost a lot of sleep and I think at one point I may have slept 3 hours in 3 days. It seems to be a strange mental game where you know you have to sleep and you would do better if you actually slept, but you also know you have to study and know the material in order to do well. The circle goes round and round and as of yet I still haven't found the balance, other than school is out right now and I don't have to study, although I feel like I should be. I'm still waiting for the exhaustion to come, the kind where I sleep for 3 days straight, but I'm still not sleeping well. I thinks it's a sign of age.
The kids have grown. It's really sad to say, but I was looking at them the other day and noticed they have gotten taller and their clothes really aren't fitting very well. It's really not neglect on my part but I should probably be checking what they are going to wear to school before they walk out the door. They do have clothes that fit, I just haven't been watching them close enough. My goal this next week is to declutter the house, including the kids drawers, which evidently have clothes that are two sizes to small.
Jeff is the same. Always dependable, always tired and always awesome.

Sunday is for Journaling right?

In all honesty I really have been terrible about writing in my journal since I started blogging and I suppose I shouldn't burden anyone else with my own personal crap, but you know...nobody asks how I'm doing so I assume they have read my mess of a life/blog and figure I'm a little more of a mess than they actually want to get involved with. It's understandable. If I wasn't me I wouldn't want to be involved either. So, as for this entry into the blogisphere I wish to express my total and almost completely lack of compassion. It is not something that I choose to have or in possibly better words, not have, but it is just the way I am. I am a little under the impression that it is something that you are born with, and I envy people who have this amazing quality. But I really feel like I don't have it. I don't know how to make someone feel better when they are down or what to do that could possibly make things better. I have an outlook on life that things happen, not always for a reason, but just happen. I know when something goes wrong the only way to fix it or make it better is to learn from it, get through it and move on. In my view, it is unproductive to sulk, but you must be actively engaged in learning and moving on. I've always thought that there was something wrong with me not being able to express how I feel, but now I've realized that it's not all that uncommon. I've found a little clan of people who don't have feelings either. Evidently this trait runs quite high in Science Majors. Who knew?

Another torturous day at school.

Have you ever found yourself in a position where you are so frustrated you could cry? (Don't lie to me, we've all been there.) We have been going over population genetics in my evolution class and once again I have found myself in my professors office trying to figure out what on earth is going on. The questions involved have a lot to do with math that I have not had yet, and then there is the whole thinking factor that is nearly impossible for me to do when I'm already nervous about going to see the professor in the first place. So to begin with, I have a few questions for the teacher (that I will not bore you with). We started going over them and then the frustration set in. For some reason I'm just not getting it. I'm asked a question that he just gave me the answer to and I still can't answer it which makes me even more nervous and soon I'm unable to even read the question let alone answer it. I'm trying to clear my head so I can learn this concept but it's just not happening. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes which gave me something else to focus on and made me even more frustrated. Although I can say that I didn't completely break out in tears, I was fairly close. I don't know if my teacher noticed (I'm really hoping not) but this concept is so frustrating for me. It involves equilibrium, dominant and recessive homozygous alleles, heterozygous alleles, fitness calculations, genotypes, and gene frequency (not that this means a lot to most people). Now that I'm home I'm hoping that I'm able to work through and make sense of my calculations without the tears, but if they do come at least I can just go to bed.